Curiosity is a powerful tool for deepening relationships, fostering compassion, and keeping connections vibrant by motivating us to truly understand others and ourselves.
Being curious often brings to mind the image of someone holding a magnifying glass with a question mark above their head or, sitting with chin in hand and a puzzled expression. It is aimed toward something, a goal, a solution to be found. It’s a motivation to explore, learn and understand.
Curiosity can also be directed towards understanding the world within us. That is, within a relationship with others, and with ourselves. Although interpersonal curiosity is often viewed as being synonymous with gossip or ill intentions [1, 2, 3], a genuine drive to understand others, especially those that we think we know well, can lead to deeper connections, compassion, and greater satisfaction.
Let’s unpack.
Boredom is not the opposite of curiosity – indifference is. When we no longer perceive a gap between what we know about someone and what we want to know, the relationship becomes stagnant. It is the “cognitive deprivation of knowledge” that motivates us to explore and understand [4]. We can become disinterested if we think our partner seems to tell the same stories repeatedly, indifferent after our child draws us 28 pictures of rainbows in an afternoon, and apathetic toward a friend when interactions centre around the same topics and activities. Essentially, assuming that we already know what is going to happen, what the other person wants or thinks, stifles curiosity.
In many cases though, we mistake repetition with sameness, and falsely believe that we know what is next or that there is nothing left to explore. In response to this apathy, the other person may become hesitant to share more. As a result, the interaction, and over time the relationship, comes to a standstill.
When we catch ourselves in this state of indifference and take pause, we begin to discover choices. We can repeat the pattern, insert ourselves by pushing new information or direction, or tilt our head and wonder. The first option is likely to leave things unchanged, with resentment building over time. The second option may shift the interaction temporarily, but without buy in from the other side, it can feel intrusive or insensitive. The last option, where we find an opening for learning, offers change – literally. Being curious is associated with release of dopamine, which is released during rewarding and pleasurable activities. Dopamine drives motivation, learning, and in some cases, interpersonal connection [5].
What Now? Let’s Sort it out.
Being curious is easier said than done, there are many barriers to taking a curious stance in our interactions. Once we notice our indifference and choose the third option of curiosity – with kindness – there are a few strategies to taking a curious stance:
Slow down
We are more likely to disengage when we assume that we already know the other person’s intention or experience is. As a result, we rush through interactions, interrupt and ultimately hinder the connection.
When this happens, stop, or at least slow down. Take a deep breath, reset if you need to, and take intentional actions at half the speed. For instance, instead of rushing a doddling teenager out the door in the morning, a parent can take a deep breath and begin to move slower, matching their child’s pace. This mirroring allows for the next step: observing and noticing.
Observe and describe with detail
Pay attention to small details, and describe them objectively. Focus on what is there, rather than judgements and expectations. This is a type of mindfulness, where you immerse yourself in an experience openly.
Observing with curiosity involves active listening, with which the listener receives the information without interrupting, judging, and making assumptions. The goal is to notice and understand what is shared verbally and nonverbally.
Reflect on your emotions
Interactions and relationships that lack curiosity can leave us feeling bored or irritated. Exploring these emotional reactions (i.e., being curious about ourself) can reveal why we might be having difficulty engaging with others openly. For instance, are you feeling apathetic about the routine in your romantic relationship, do you miss sharing experiences with a particular person, or is the topic of discussion uncomfortable, causing you to close off emotionally?
Take the time to explore your experience without judgement through journaling, speaking to a trusted person, or in therapy.
Ask open-ended questions
Invite new perspectives and show interest by asking engaging questions that are open-ended (i.e., require more than a single-word answer). Although “why” is an easy one, it can also leave the other person feeling judged. If they feel they need to justify themselves, then they can become defensive, and that is not conducive to curiosity.
Instead, ask questions that get deeper, and show that you’ve thought about what you want to know. Some examples are:
- What do you think would happen if… ?
- How do you think you’ll feel about this in the future?
- What does this ____ remind you of?
- What happened?
- What about this is important to you?
Even better, start your question with an observation:
- I noticed that you chose the same board game every time, what do you think would happen if… ?
- This is obviously really important to you right now, how do you think you’ll feel about this in the future?
- You’re really excited about this, what does this ____ remind you of?
- I noticed you seemed rushed all of sudden, what happened?
- We’re talking about _____ a lot lately, what about it is important to you?
When in doubt, you can always fall back on a version of “tell me more about that” – which is great because it’s not even a question!
Interpersonal curiosity is more than gathering information or solving a problem, it comes from a genuine interest in another person’s – including our own – thoughts, emotions, and intentions. By incorporating a little bit of curiosity into our interactions through slowing down, paying attention, and asking questions, we foster our understanding and relationships. Best of all, curiosity and knowledge build on themselves, promoting a positive feedback loop of connection.
References
[1] Niobe Way, Rachel Taffe; Interpersonal Curiosity: A Missing Construct in the Field of Human Development. Human Development 2024; https://doi.org/10.1159/000542162
[2] Kashdan, T. B., Sherman, R. A., Yarbro, J., & Funder, D. C. (2013). How are curious people viewed and how do they behave in social situations? From the perspectives of self, friends, parents, and unacquainted observers. Journal of personality, 81(2), 142–154.
[3] Post, T., & Walma van der Molen, J. H. (2018). Do children express curiosity at school? Exploring children’s experiences of curiosity inside and outside the school context. Learning, Culture and Social Interaction, 18, 60-71. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.lcsi.2018.03.005
[4] Dobson, Kiersten, “Recognizing Relational Boredom and Coping With It Through the Introduction of Novelty” (2020). Electronic Thesis and Dissertation Repository. 7015.
[5] Krach, S., Paulus, F. M., Bodden, M., & Kircher, T. (2010). The rewarding nature of social interactions. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 4, 22. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2010.00022