One-line sayings and mantras are one of my pet peeves. They make for excellent Instagram posts, fit nicely on a large coffee mug in cursive writing, and can provide a brief burst of relief or motivation. While little messages like “but first, coffee” or “be your own rainbow” might sound appealing, they rarely accomplish much in the long run.
One message that has come across my algorithm recently is a version of “An apology without action is nothing more than manipulation.” This quote highlights how an apology is meaningful if it is followed by a change in behaviour and an intentional attempt to prevent the transgression from happening again. It’s meant to be a reminder that saying “sorry” not sufficient for a healthy relationship.
I appreciate that clarifying the meaning of an apology can help some individuals gain perspective. Far too often, apologies are offered without genuine follow-through, leaving relationships burdened by frustration and disappointment. This prompts important questions: change in behaviour from whom? What is the value of an apology if it is not met with forgiveness? And conversely, what does it mean when forgiveness is extended in the absence of an apology?
The quote, “an apology without action is manipulation,” implies that when an individual causes harm and offers an apology, they should follow it with intentional steps to prevent the offense from recurring. This might involve making a concerted effort to arrive on time for an appointment or developing strategies to regulate their emotions, thereby ensuring their frustration is not expressed through sharp or hurtful remarks.
Important details remain unaddressed. What, specifically, is expected to change? How quickly should this change occur, and with what frequency or consistency? When such details are omitted from the discussion, they leave fertile ground for misunderstanding and resentment. The resolution is unclear. Most importantly, what happens after the apology remains beyond your control.
When an apology is genuine, it recognizes one’s shortcomings, and the impact it has had on another person. More importantly it is offered without knowing or expecting that it will be accepted. In other words, an apology is offered without expecting forgiveness to be granted (the opposite is true as well, but that’s for another post!).
Accepting someone else’s apology, granting forgiveness is a deliberate act. It is not the end of the road, either. It sets the path for how we will move forward with the relationship, and sometimes whether we will move forward with it at all. Sometimes it is best for us to sever the relationship. In order to prevent getting hurt again, we will set boundaries and change our expectations. We will do so without carrying anger and resentment towards the other person. This doesn’t mean we will forget. It means that we recognize that someone else’s weakness led to a hurtful action, and we choose to set down the hurt and the pain it has caused us.
So, when I read something along the lines of “sorry without change is manipulation,” what I wish the quote said is something like “I will accept your apology and intention to change, and I will do so by setting aside resentment, and making my own changes to my expectations and boundaries, too.”
I know this quote is not as eloquent and might not fit very well on a latte mug. However, it is a stand that gives us much more agency in the way that we move forward.