Authenticity is more about balancing your values with social awareness, not just saying or doing whatever you feel in every situation.
It is very common for clients in my private practice to express a longing for being “their true self” – or at the very least, they want to engage with the world in a different manner, one that is more “authentic.” I see this in every type of relationship; a client who wants to be authentic in her friendships, an adult child who wants to be assertive with their parents; someone who wants to be authentic when dating; and even parents who want their children to be their “true self” all the time.
It often comes as a surprise to my clients when I suggest that perhaps, being your true self all the time is not a good idea, or maybe – just maybe – there is no such thing as a (static) true self.
What people typically mean by “being authentic” is that they make choices that align with their values and inner truth. Our values are the guidelines we want to live by, and include honesty, social connection, curiosity, and often some version of authenticity. Although one’s values can be made explicit with some work and reflection – which is a core component of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) – defining one’s inner truth is trickier. Carl Jung argued that our deeper nature is made up of archetypes, instincts, and traits which are both positive and “darker.” Many of these are repressed and concealed by a mask – a version of the person which is informed by societal expectations and necessary to navigate the world.
Like many, I notice our society’s encouragement, even pressure, to be “your true self” all the time and not to compromise your thoughts, feelings, and desires for others. After all, isn’t that what living an authentic life means? It seems liberating to be able to say what is on our mind, ask for what we want, and make unrestrained choices. In practice however, it leads to parallel conversations, demands, misunderstandings and conflict.
For instance, it is probably not a good idea to use a business meeting as a platform for your dad jokes. This is an environment where professionalism and focus are important, and perhaps your playful personality would benefit from being tempered. Similarly, many of us have also had the pressure from an overzealous host or grandparent to eat one more serving. In some cultures, it’s rude not to accept food as a guest, and one’s relationship may be more important than an extra bite of food. There are unspoken social contracts that are learned over time. It’s true that some of these unspoken rules are problematic, such as when they support hateful or racist beliefs. Most of the time however, these rules are the basis for smooth interactions, efficiency, and even closer connections.
Despite our desire to be fully authentic, integrating our inner desires with the demands of society is viewed as necessary for wellbeing and individuation.
Being authentic doesn’t mean saying and doing exactly what you want when you want. It is not about being unapologetic for your actions, regardless of their impact (and your intentions!) Being yourself all the time makes no sense. At the same time, no one benefits from shutting themselves out or unnecessarily censoring themselves. I understand that parents don’t want to raise children who grow up being entirely and solely focussed on pleasing other people. After all, growth comes from being exposed to differences.
The skill to learn for ourselves and model to others is to pause and read the room with curiosity. To recognize that our actions impact other people, and that the choices we make will impact our relationships. I believe there is more value in modeling and teaching about critical thinking and self-awareness than to push the message of “be yourself all the time at all costs!” or “If they don’t like it, so be it!” Life is more nuanced than that. Of course, as in all relationships, the person on the receiving end may not embrace your actions and choices; they may be unwilling to accept you. That is absolutely beyond your control. We can be disappointed when we follow the “rules” and when we break them for a good reason.
Our “true self” is not a destination or a static state. Perhaps who we truly are is a dynamic composition; an integration of the hidden aspects of ourselves and the expectations of the moment. As Jung suggested, this is a process of self-discovery that is fraught with challenges. It is also a strategic process, whereby we emphasize certain facets of ourselves, and downplay others depending on the context, which is often referred to as “situational authenticity” [1]. This process of sorting out who we really are in any given situation and relationship will include moments of embarrassment, regrets, as well as successes and achievements. Part of sorting out who we are is to recognize that we will be different in different situations and with different people. This adaptability, the way we integrate all of ourselves across situations, and the way we choose to respond to challenges and successes, is what truly makes us who we are.
References
[1] Grant, A. (2016, June 4). Unless you’re Oprah, ‘be yourself’ is terrible advice. The New York Times.